Do you feel that? It’s hard breathe. You can feel the space around you getting smaller; it causes a chain reaction and suddenly the space inside you starts to close up in perfect harmony. Your chest gets tight and you can feel the pressure about you: judgment, pity, confusion, hatred, and fear. The eyes of everyone: you feel as if their locked on to your every move. They’re watching… Waiting for the fuck up. Your ego is telling you to stay and show them “you’re strong” and “you’ve got this”. But… Your instinct is telling you to run. Your gut is screaming at you to get the fuck out. Don’t say bye. Don’t take everything, or anything for that matter; this is about survival… You can feel the hole growing and consuming everything that means anything. Gone. Emptiness. There’s nothing left except the primal feeling, deep in your gut, a force pressing you to escape the persecution that is your immediate reality. Save yourself; because you’re the only one who can. Nothing else in life is more clear at this moment. You’re the only one who can save you, and the time is now. But then! You realize… You don’t know how to save yourself. You know how to save everyone else. In fact, we were taught at an early age we must save those around us first. Do not let your instinct, your survival, supersede the survival of those around you. Because if you save yourself; who saves them?
In early October, I said, fuuuck that and “peaced” out! I packed my panties, my iPad, greens, chargers for all things electronic, grabbed the dog, my smokes and fucking bolted. I went to the woods. To the water and trees. I found crickets, spiders, a bat, and something that crushed my empty Palm Breeze can like a person, a person with teeth for fingers… I left the city in such a frenzy that I didn’t realize until I had to fight a spider for the coffee pot, when I woke up the next morning, that I was camping. I independently, without fear of death, had loaded up the car and driven straight to an RV on a piece of pavement, by the river at 2 pm on a Wednesday… Not realizing until 8:45 AM on Thursday that I was fucking camping. Regardless of this realization, I have experienced such a subliminal force, only once before and knew it was time for action. I could hear battle drums playing as my physical form took heed and ran for survival. I typically am not a runner (in this or any definition of the word). I like to be comfortable and surrounded by beings, material items, sounds, and smells that are familiar to me, that are safe. Predictable. I prefer to wake up to every day and have a good idea of what to expect. Unfortunately, I’d come to the realization that my expectations, of the people around me, the things that created safety, were actually creating suffering and pain in my life. They were limiting me to a places and people that aren’t safe anymore. My expectations, were tying me to my pain, and the beast was telling me to flee from the pain. So, I did. To find peace; peace that I found in the world around me, in the trees, the river, even the crickets, spider, and bat instilled a level of comfort just by playing their role. The roles that came instinctively.
I met a friend today for lunch…or beers while he ate, and I stared at calzone completely uninterested. Regardless, it was 12:30 pm, so I say the beer qualifies as lunch in this situation. As we ate; he was sharing some recent situations in his life. He explained to me how we all have these safety nets, nets that are supposed to be safe and keep us from falling, from harm. It’s the familiar, the known, the safe people (family, friends, lovers), places (home, or you moms house, maybe your favorite spot in the park), or things (food, booze, an exes old t-shirt) that we relate to our security. But, a net is in it’s very definition, a net.
1 a : an open-meshed fabric twisted, knotted, or woven together at regular intervals
b : something made of net: (1) : a device for catching fish, birds, or insects (2) : a fabric barricade which divides (3) : the fabric that encloses the sides and back of the goal in various games (such as soccer or hockey)
I found myself in a situation; caught in past experiences, in memories that created a net of emotions and circumstances. in which I could not escape.
It’s not till now, as I write this; that I decided to look up the Merriam’s definition. Although, the net can keep us from falling; by definition its purpose is to catch, create a barricade, entrap, restrain the willing or defiant.
“…circumstances in which I could not escape.”
So, my gut told me to run and I did and it felt good! Little did I know, trusting that primal urge in early October, would only influence me to do it again in mid November. Except, this time I wouldn’t be heading a couple of hours south…but 2,177 miles towards the Pacific North West. Only, this time I would be looking for more than a bit of peace, I’d be looking for myself…