I don’t know what I’m supposed to do haunted by the ghost of you…
He’s going to Buffalo. He told me in the most casual, nonchalant, emotionless, and scientific way I’ve ever heard such impactful news before in my life; so matter of fact, as if simply explaining why the sky appears blue. The switch was flipped and the emotions were gone as he proceeded to inform me that he starts work there in 3 weeks.
How do I reply? The floodgates holding in my emotions were not suddenly switched to the off position like his, but the opposite. The gates were open and my emotions threatened to overcome my entire being. I could feel the muscles in my chest, neck, and shoulders tense under the unanticipated emotional pressure. My instinct sensed the threat and the beast in me wanted to fight, lash out, and protect myself. Not just to defend, but to defeat; to inflict equal amounts of pain and more; regain my given place in the hierarchy, and take back control of the kingdom that is my being. This is the only way to calm the chaos, to control the “masses” that are my emotions, and resume the peace within myself that I felt only moments before. Before he took that peace from me and made me feel this way; my ego was telling me it’s time to fuck up his shit… To show him he can’t do that to me and reclaim my power.
A day later I sit here, outside a Cafe at a bistro table, with the world quickly moving around me; placed directly on the corner of two of the busiest streets in my South City neighborhood of Saint Louis. Headphones pressed firmly into my ears playing the soothing beats of deep bass paired to electronic melodies, I can feel the energy, the breeze on my skin, and if I am still and focus I can smell the seasons changing. This feels like a “good” moment in comparison to that “bad” one yesterday. It’s easy to remember the pain, the tension, and the instant threat to my serenity just barely 24 hours ago. I felt abandoned, betrayed, tricked and lied to, insignificant and small. This was quickly followed by anger and fear, which sparked the “need” to fight. What a fucking moment… So, how did I respond? I took a breath, and probably stayed stopped at that stop sign longer than necessary (safety first folks) then reminded myself that the behaviors of others only effects me if I allow them too, and my emotions do not control me. This is only a moment in time, an experience. In that moment, I felt sadness, loss, and many other emotions all of which are okay to feel, necessary to feel. They help remind me that I am human, I am connected, I am vulnerable and sensitive. I can feel hurt and survive. I can learn from the painful moments I experience in this lifetime when I choose too, then grow and evolve from them. I acknowledge and am thankful that the thoughts running through my head were just thoughts. I am not my thoughts. I do not control my thoughts. Thoughts just happen. I can sit back and observe them or I can let them transform me into the animal, the beast, the part of me that needs to protect and conquer. I am not my body. That tightness, and tension that overcame my physical body does not have power over me. I decide to have the power. I am the witness to myself in those moments because I choose to be. I control my reality. Buddha said there is no such thing as a good or bad moment, a moment is a moment, is a moment. It will pass and a new moment will come. If we allow our ego to tell us these moments are “good” or “bad” we give them the power to define that memory, that experience, and create a direct pathway back to the pain. Instead, if we accept that it was only one moment in time, we are then able to remember that there are many more to come. They will not be good or bad, and they will not define us.
…I will not be haunted. I will remember and be thankful for the experience, for the moment.